The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
