I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
