My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
