Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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