I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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