Whoa Z and x make the same sound
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
