guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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