mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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