he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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