when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
