Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
50% drunk capacity currently
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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