I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
