it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
