You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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