Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
