There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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