i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
