I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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