It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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