I think im going to throw up on grandma
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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