forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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