I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
