i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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