just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
