I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
