May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
