The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
