My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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