oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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