I think I died a long time ago.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
