me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Randomize
