Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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