I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
