Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
