Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
