Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
i've created a new STD.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
