Have you finally orgasmed yet?
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
this beer tastes like vomit already
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
