Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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