true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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