Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
