don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
