You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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