i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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