then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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