Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
