I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
