He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
