seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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