i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Randomize
