im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
